Today has been better than the last few days. I may be coming out of my emotional coma which would be convenient since school starts next Monday. I got some lisp written and I'm sketching out some fun stuff to work on and talk about here soon.
A lot of my struggle lately has been feeling overwhelmed by how much I want to know and my failure to find the time and energy to absorb some of it.
I feel like I'm learning to learn at 23. I know a few things about that.
1. It's not going to be fun.
2. It's about being disciplined, setting measured goals and meeting them.
In the past, I'd gotten bogged down on personal programming\CS learning goals and tried to restart elsewhere or change the goals to regain momentum. No more resets. Persistence is the name of the game.
Though I'm smart, I spent most of the years between 12 and 22 not committing myself in academics and pursuits of the mind. In some regards, I feel like I'm playing catchup. That's what some of this "I feel like I'm learning about learning" stuff is about. Picking the discipline back up. Because the fact is, the only way to really master Computer Science on the level I want to is to put in at least 10,000 quality hours.
I'm not a genius and I don't want to be. I want a fair amount of work/play balance. Of course, CS is in many ways play for me. That said, I want to be more like hackers like Slava Pestov, Luke Gorrie, Per Vogsnen, Edward Kmett and Wren Thornton. I respect each of them for different reasons but they all understand the field on a pretty broad level. I'll keep working in that direction because I want that breadth. It'll take a while...but it took them a while. Hell, aside from Slava I think all those folks are over 30. It's worth the investment though. Thinking about the issues is just too fun.
Note to self: Just remember, you don't know how brilliant you can be. You won't ever be von Neumann...but don't get convinced that you're stupid. Or a failure.